Man’s Standards Harm
The church today is full of all sorts of ideas about marriage and divorce. They range all the way from “well, if he was being emotionally abusive it’s fine” to “it doesn’t matter how many woman he’s had on the side, you’re stuck with him” and all sorts of different notions.
We live in a culture of “no fault divorce” which means it is possible for people to file for any reason at all. Most Christians know that the “we’re friends, but we just don’t feel that way about each other” excuse isn’t enough, but beyond that there’s all sorts of theories.
I’m not only doing a topical study today, but one that will likely upset a lot of believers. I have personally seen what I believe scripture shows to be horrible council when it comes to marriage and divorce from some very godly people. I’ve seen divorced people treated poorly for actually living within God’s revealed boundaries because others have created their own. I hope to let the texts speak for themselves as much as possible.
What Marriage Creates
The first generation of man already had a divine description of marriage.
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24
First, we see that a man shall leave his father and mother. This is literal language but also implies the formation of a new family. While a man is in his father’s household, he is under the authority of his father. However, he now leaves that family and begins one of his own with his wife. Likewise, becoming one flesh can be taken literally in the act of sex but also implies the unique intimacy that results as well.
This relationship between sex and unity is not exclusive to marriage (though it should be).
Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.”
1 Corinthians 6:16
For this reason, if a man and a woman are engaged in sex, they are expected to marry.
If a man seduces a virgin who is not betrothed and lies with her, he shall give the bride-price for her and make her his wife.
Exodus 22:16
Grounds for Divorce
Jesus, while discussing the evil of divorce, detours for a moment to discuss the situation in which it is allowable.
And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”
Matthew 19:9
Why is this an exception? Is it because the adultery is such a horrible offense against the spouse that they finally have enough grievance to end the marriage? I don’t believe so, as marriage is not a matter of sufficient contentment. Instead, it is because the offense of divorce was already committed in the case of sexual immorality.
But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Matthew 5:32
If a married couple splits for any reason other than adultery, the first act of union with another person afterward would still be adultery. Why? Because, until that point, the original marriage bed remained undefiled. While the couple may have “moved on” in divorce, God still considers them united.
However, in the case of sexual immorality, someone has already committed adultery and defiled the marriage bed by becoming one flesh with another.
What About Abuse?
Now that we’ve covered how the only way a marriage is broken is through adultery, what should be said about a situation where one spouse becomes a threat to the other? Normally, in marriage, it would certainly be best to share as much of life together as two people can. In extreme cases, however, harm mitigation may be necessary.
That could mean denying a spouse access to finances, physical contact, and in some cases any contact at all. This should always be done with a heart for restoration. So long as neither person commits adultery, the door is always open for the abuser to repent and for marriage to be honored. If either does, they still commit adultery no matter how long the separation may last or how severe the wrong that caused it.
Reconciliation After Adultery
This is where I’m probably going to step on a lot of toes with the more strict crowd, but I’m going to give chapter and verse! When a marriage bed has been defiled, should the goal still be reconciliation? I argue that it should not.
“When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house, and if she goes and becomes another man’s wife, and the latter man hates her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter man dies, who took her to be his wife, then her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the Lord. And you shall not bring sin upon the land that the Lord your God is giving you for an inheritance.
Deuteronomy 24:1-4
I would like to point out that, in this case, it doesn’t matter what causes the second marriage to end. It’s not a case of the second man writing a divorce for reasons other than a defiled marriage bed. Even if he dies, it would be wrong for the first man to remarry her. Not only wrong, but an abomination before God that would bring sin upon the whole land!
The weakness in my argument here is that not all adulterers necessarily do what God requires of them after their first divorce and actually marry the person with whom they committed the adultery. Therefore, there is no second “marriage” though they have become one flesh.
I would argue that it is not that much of a weakness, however. The reason given for why the first man cannot take her back is that “she has been defiled”. Is it the act of confirming the second union in marriage that defiled her? Is it not the adultery that defiled her instead?
What About Unbelieving Spouses?
To cover all the verses, we also need to address this verse:
But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.
1 Corinthians 7:15
We need to understand what “separate” means here. Is it just that the partner is staying with their parents for a few weeks? I argue this is a case where the unbelieving spouse has completely moved on to another relationship. Even if a spouse is not a believer, you can’t just remarry because you’re not living in the same house for a time.
Serious Commitment
Marriage is a wonderful union! My wife and I have been happily married for 16 years and have no experience with divorce even in the homes from which we came. I wish everyone could have this experience of marriage. However, we live in a world where many experience generations of divorce and remarriage, and that’s the world in which the church has been called to minister.
To do that in a healthy way, we must know what God has to say about marriage. Hope this helped!
